


Waiting in the Freezing Dark

by rayonfrozenwings



Series: Waiting in the Freezing Dark [1]
Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-05-20 02:40:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14886074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rayonfrozenwings/pseuds/rayonfrozenwings
Summary: A Nessian Fan Fiction: Characters all belong to Sarah J Maas and her book series A Court of Thorns and Roses.This Story takes place after ACOFAS. The story has Multiple POV’s, taking place in the Illyrian camp, Windhaven, Nesta and Cassian are living together at the behest of the high lord and lady of the night court.





	1. What Box Sweetheart?

**Author's Note:**

> Also Please be aware that this fic series will have some heartbreaking moments, I will try to have warnings at the start of the chapter if I think there are triggering topics.
> 
>  
> 
> Spoiler Alert: Contains references to ACOFAS.
> 
>  

**What box sweetheart?**

The stars were bright against the black sky, the camp quiet. Nesta and Cassian had been sitting outside under lush furs and blankets staring into the darkness. Nesta cradled inside Cassian’s wide shoulders, his arms around her and her head resting just below his chin. She told herself, snuggling into him was only to keep warm but if she were honest she knew that she was feeling something more. He had adapted to having no fires, and she was sure he enjoyed this way of keeping warm too. It had been a long day and they were both exhausted but this cozy cuddling on the seat outside their illyrian house was enough for right now. Since leaving Velaris she’d ignored all illyrian advances, she had no idea how to navigate those wings in the bedroom and wasn’t ready to try. At least the high fae she had been sleeping with had anatomy similar to her own, illyrians were a whole other breed. These thoughts were dangerous, Nesta needed to shatter the domestic bliss that was settling over them. Things were getting too comfortable in this camp and she couldn't give Cassian the upper hand or think he had a chance with her tonight. So she broke the silence and in a quiet but demanding voice asked,

“So what was in the box?”

He glanced down at her and tried to get more comfortable, shifting his weight further back into the chair.

“What box sweetheart?”

“You know, that small wooden box I saw you throw into the river?”

“It’s not important now” he ground out.

Obviously it had some meaning for his tone to change and for him to become restless so Nesta pressed on.

“Really? It seemed important at the time? Has to be something of value or you wouldn’t have even bothered trying to give it to me, especially considering how hostile I was back then. Why even risk giving me something that you knew I would throw in your face?” 

Nesta’s face twisted and her sharp tongue knew where to strike. 

“Or was it just a set of distasteful negligee… two for the price of one perhaps?”

Cassian’s heavy breathing deepened as he sat in silence looking at the sky. Trying not to lose his temper. She knew how to push his buttons without even trying. She didn’t want to risk him making her speculate for eternity what was inside that stupid box! She hated not knowing. It would be just the sort of thing he would do too. Cassian took a deep breath that pulled her out of her thoughts. Then he spoke in a quiet tired voice,

“Well, there’s this tradition on the steppes, that when someone you love passes, you bury them. Remember them. Look after their body even when they are gone. That you should visit them at the place where their bones reside and their spirit lingers - to remember them.”

He took another long breath, blinked and looked out towards the sleeping camp. She waited for him to continue, maybe this gift was important after all.

“The way we do this is by choosing stones or pebbles that we like and give them as an offering. To be placed with the tombstone. The more stones, the more love. One for each visit. Choosing a stone is sometimes as important as placing it. It’s a tradition that goes back as long as we can remember”.

Cassian’s breath caught in his throat and he took a moment to compose himself, this was not where Nesta expected this conversation to go but she was reluctant to stop it now. Not when she was so close to having some answers.

“I don’t know if my mother was buried or how her body was treated when she died. Cauldron knows that I don’t have any way to honor her or remember her in her resting place. I wish I had some place to visit her and remember her. Sometimes… Sometimes I think of you and what you went through. You invade my thoughts and I want to make things better. I want to fix everything for you Nesta. Make everything better. I think of your father dying on the battlefield and of how much you lost. Of what you can do to remember and honor him for his sacrifice. He loved you Nesta. He brought a fleet to help protect you. And I want to honor him, with you. To help you.”

Nesta turned away from the void above and looked into his hazel eyes, he continued looking firmly ahead avoiding her gaze, avoiding the grief he would see reflected there. Nesta was about to speak and break the silence but Cassian continued.

“So I searched the illyrian steppes for months, to find the perfect pebble. The perfect stone. To be a perfect representation of you. A small perfect pebble. Glossy black with streaks of grey on the surface and a heart of the deepest red shining through the darkness. It was perfect - like you. And I was going to go with you to put this stone at your father’s resting place. To honor him. To help you.”

Nesta could feel the tears welling at the corners of her eyes and quickly looked back towards the sky, emotion filling her chest and making it difficult to breathe. Cassian placed a gentle kiss on the top of her head and pulled her close engulfing her in his warm arms. A few moments passed before Cassian added,

“You know, I was so furious that night. I threw it without thinking. I threw this perfect representation of you away, and I regretted it. I regretted losing what we had even if it was only an ember. So I flew over that part of the Sidra every few days, and made sure to walk over that particular bridge and casually glance into the river below. It took a few weeks for the river to thaw just enough for me to see clearly. On the bottom was that wooden box wedged between two rocks.”

“So I jumped in when no-one was looking. Into water with ice shards still floating in it. To get that damn box.”

Nesta’s breath caught and she looked back to Cassian, gazing deep into his warm hazel eyes. The illyrian commander sitting with her under a pile of furs watching the stars. Someone who would jump into an icy river to get a stone in a box… all for her.

She had wasted so much time after the war and was only now starting to get a bit of herself back. Nesta was falling for her illyrian brute and she wasn’t sure she was ready to give up on all she had worked for to have him. She would find a way, but not today. 

Pulling herself up into his arms she whispered next to his ear,

“Perhaps one day you will show me this stone you risked hypothermia to retrieve, in fact i’m surprised you even know how to swim”.

Cassian grinned as she pulled away and started walking inside their house to retire for the evening, taking most of the furs with her. Leaving Cassian smiling out in the cold night air to decide what steps he might take next.


	2. Goodnight Cassian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Nessian Fan Fic - Takes place directly After "What Box Sweetheart" With Nesta and Cassian located in the Illyrian Camp.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written as a POST ACOFAS FAN FIC, may contain ACOFAS SPOILERS.
> 
> Contains Fluff.

**Goodnight Cassian**

_**Nesta**_

Nesta closed the bedroom door behind her, threw the furs on the bed and lit the lamp readying herself for bed. The room was sparse, a few pillows on the small bed and an aged oak dresser on the opposite wall. It was a lot nicer than her slum in Velaris and more private than the cottage she shared with her family. At least she had her own room here. New illyrian leathers lay draped on her reading chair, yet to be used, given to her when she left Velaris. Walking over to them she pushed them aside and ran her long fingers over the elegant embossed fabric of the chair, feeling the intricate swirls in the pale grey and blue fabric. Eyes shuttered as she moved her hand over the dark wood carvings near the top of the chair. It was the most comfortable piece of furniture she had ever owned. She used to spend hours reading in it at the house of wind. Nesta was unsure who had orchestrated events to make this particular piece of furniture appear here; but she was grateful.

Not that the chair mattered, she hadn’t had much time for reading recently. Nesta had managed to find tasks to occupy her time in Windhaven that were independent from the high lord and lady’s dealings. They may have told her where to live but she would be damned if they would tell her how to live. Being apart from her sisters and that interfering circle of Rhysand’s had been the best thing for Nesta. The fresh air and solitude was calming to her soul. She was learning to appreciate the small happy moments that she and her sisters had managed to enjoy. Even managing to appreciate the skill her father needed to create his wooden creations. That was another reason she loved her reading chair. It had carvings all along its arms and back. Sailing ships fighting sea serpents and other faerie beasts. It reminded her of her papa. Nesta would never admit it to anyone. It was simply the most comfortable chair to spend hours reading in and matched her aesthetic - with enough room to curl up and fall asleep if she needed to.

Nesta was learning her place in the illyrian camp and had found a close friend with Emerie, a local merchant. A lot of her daily tasks were lonely and so she would often seek Emerie out to help without actually helping. 

Because Emerie refused help. 

Nesta felt that Emerie was closer to her than her sisters, so much like herself, they understood each other without speaking. She would never tell Emerie that though, better to leave it unspoken. Nesta didn’t hate her sisters, they just never really understood her or even tried to understand her. Elain seemed to scrape the surface, finding out things Nesta liked but never deeper, she never wanted to know how Nesta truly felt. Feyre was a different beast she was in her own world, always trying to save everyone, even when they didn’t want to be saved, much like her interfering high lord. At least Cassian had let her get on with her life. An inconvenience as a housemate but not an interfering busy body like the others.

Nesta’s mood was turning, all this reminiscing pulling her back into the shadows she had worked so hard to come out of. She grabbed her favourite book off the chair where she had left it. A romance novel about a handsome King who melted the heart of a coldblooded witch, it was possibly the fifth time she had read it since finding it in the house of wind. 

It was so late and she felt like she had been pulled left and right while talking with Cassian about his grief and her own. It wasn’t something she was mentally prepared for. A few chapters to immerse herself in another world would brighten her mood. It always did. Lifting the furs to the side, she sat down on her cozy bed and started removing her boots, lifting her legs up and under the covers. It was supposed to be early spring but you wouldn’t know it in these mountains. The more furs the better as far as she was concerned.

_**Cassian**_

Cassian sat outside watching her window and waiting for her lamp to go out. Hoping she really was going to sleep - avoiding mischief. But two patrols had passed now and that glow from the window still fell on the ground outside, Cassian knew she wasn’t going to sleep any time soon.

Tonight had opened up some old wounds. He hadn’t really talked about his mother to many people and although everything he said was true, he wasn’t sure he wanted to deal with the consequences of his words. That winter chill was still in the air and since Nesta had taken all the furs - he was left with one measly blanket.

The first patrol had made their way back, two young illyrian males grinning and shoving each other, engrossed in some story the older of the pair appeared to be telling. Cassian smiled and dropped the blanket, spread his wings and launched himself into the sky. He took in an aerial view of the camp and houses below. He’d always been protective. Two patrols in the camp should be enough, but the unrest lately had started invading everyday life. Something he needed to deal with and the main reason he had been asked to stay in Windhaven by Rhys.

Windhaven was one of the closer camps to Velaris, just incase he was called back for security. It seemed like a battle on two fronts with the unrest in the camps and Velaris opening its borders, letting Keir and his ilk in. Windhaven was close enough to both but also one of the safer camps for Nesta to be in. A perfect compromise. He knew Nesta resented being sent here at the start, but she was warming, part of her fire was back. This place was good for her even if she never admitted it to anyone.

The camp was quiet below. A few fires around the perimeter, and tents with a soft glows emanating but very few illyrians walking around or getting into trouble. The small settlement up the road held his home and a few other wooden buildings for trade. Located just far enough from the camp to be out of the way but close enough to still be protected by their patrols at night.

Cassian landed near Emerie’s shop, located at the other end of the street to his own cottage. Cassian liked to keep his distance to protect her reputation - He couldn’t have people talking about them in the same breath. Cassian told himself he was stopping just to check that everything was alright. No lights shon from her windows. The street only illuminated by the stars above. He hoped she was asleep. Emerie had been a blessing to Cassian, someone who didn’t mind that he was an illyrian born bastard, and who took his money without making a fuss. She was also someone who seemed to understand Nesta as much as he did - if not more so.

Cassian wrapped his wings around himself and started walking back to the house. It was a small wooden home with two bedrooms; a large communal room with a kitchen and lounge with dining room. Not too different from the house he grew up in with Rhysand’s mother, Rhys and Az. The house was modest, with few adornments but he didn’t need much from a house to be content. It was more than he ever imagined as a boy and he was always grateful for where he was. A comfortable bed and a room large enough so he could spread his wings if needed - it was more than enough.

Even though he was often away because of his duties Nesta had chosen to take the slightly smaller of the two rooms. She pushed her bed hard against the wall, making it appear smaller than it was. He hadn’t heard her bring anyone home while he was staying and the bed being pushed against the wall did make him smile because any illyrian male would have a hard time pleasuring her with his wings banging against the wall.

His smile grew as the vision of a naked illyrian falling off her bed came uninvited. Nesta standing furious and naked. He chuckled to himself. He was sure she hadn’t been with anyone, the only scents in their house were hers and his own.

They weren’t currently anything to each other but Cassian couldn’t get her out of his mind. Tonight he had thought that she might have wanted to kiss him and instead she taunted him and walked away. 

A grin came to his face, she was returning to that girl he met at her manor - minus the knee.

That woman with fire in her veins.

Cassian could see her making her way back to the realm of the living, back to him, slowly. She had been through a lot, turning into a high fae, stealing from the cauldron, throwing her body over his on the battlefield - to save him. The death of her father by the king of Hybern. Not even including the recent months she had spent pushing away her family, drinking and bedding every male she could find.

There were so many open wounds in her life.

The smile disappeared from his face, this was why there was distance. She had made her decisions in Velaris and Cassian needed to let her live her life and make her own mistakes. Just because they were living in the same house did not mean Nesta would give him the time of day. He neared the house and he looked to the ground ahead.

The light was still pooling on the ground outside her window, he sighed, so he would have to talk to her tonight after all. 

The wooden steps at the front of the house creaked under Cassian’s weight as he walked up them. He released a breath, it had been a few hours since their intimate moment under the stars but he really didn’t want to talk to her yet. Pushing open the door he walked into the dark lounge room. She had closed her door and the light peeked through underneath.

Maybe he wouldn’t have to talk to her after all.

Cassian creeped across the old floorboards trying desperately not to make any sound. Walking past her door he heard something usually reserved for Azriel. You would think the shadowsinger would be as quiet sleeping as he was awake but his snoring was as loud as a giant frosted bear from the winter court. The smile on Cassian’s face grew wider until he started to laugh.

Shit! Shit! He couldn’t let Nes hear him. 

Somehow the thought of Nesta snoring seemed so out of place that he couldn’t contain himself. 

Damn it!

Her light was still on.

She was asleep.

Cassian was holding his side he tried to calm down, realising he was going to have to sneak into her room and turn off the light. Three steps to her door, he turned the handle carefully and pushed it open. There Nesta lay, covered with furs in the strangest position. He was sure that having a book for a pillow was not comfortable and was most likely the cause of her horrendous snoring. In fact it was so loud Cassian wasn’t sure he would be able to sleep in the next room. He decided that making her more comfortable was worth her wrath, especially if it meant he would get a better night sleep.

Carefully he pried her arms away from the book and pulled it out of her grip, placing it on her chair.

Nesta was still snoring but at least she hadn’t woken up. Cassian leaned forward and pulled up her furs that she had kicked off, still in her simple gray dress from the day, she had obviously fallen asleep while reading. Nesta turned and snuggled into her pillow, her scent hitting Cassian in the face and making him look closer. The gods awful snoring had stopped. She looked so peaceful, serene, it was hard to imagine the fire behind her eyes could change her look so dramatically.

Nesta was beautiful, he could see that her face was delicate and lips soft. Lips so tempting even now. Her breathing even and cheeks rosy, he wanted to kiss her right now even if it meant waking her but he wasn’t sure he could take anymore rejection from her. They had been making progress, why ruin a good thing? 

So he blew out the lamp and walked to the door, turning back to her and the shadows of the night dappled on her beautiful face. He closed the door slowly as he walked over the threshold and just before it shut he heard her whisper.

“Goodnight Cassian”.


	3. Dreams Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Nessian Fan Fiction: Characters all belong to Sarah J Maas and her book series A Court of Thorns and Roses. This Story takes place after ACOFAS and after Chapter 1: What Box sweetheart? , Chapter 2: Goodnight Cassian, the story has Multiple POV’s, taking place in the Illyrian camp Windhaven, Nesta and Cassian are living together at the behest of the high lord and lady of the night court.
> 
> This Chapter is Nesta-centric and gives hints for the Next Chapter. A Short Chapter. Nesta and Emerie's friendship is introduced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPOILER WARNING: This is a POST ACOFAS Fan fic.

**Dreams Again**

**_Nesta_**  
The sun poured in through her bedroom window as Nesta began dressing for the day. Cassian had woken early, eaten his breakfast and then knocked loudly on her door. Having no common decency at all and destroying any hope she had of sleeping until noon. He had left to see Devlon, his old camp lord, at the behest of his high lord. Apparently he was needed urgently but decided not to disclose why. So now Nesta had the whole house to herself.

Perfect.

Cassian had thought she had stopped her drinking but she knew he was a good soldier and followed orders. He would report back to Feyre and Rhysand all her habits and she didn’t want anyone getting in her business - not this time. Strategy was important when playing a long game, and she didn’t need the arguments about her drinking. Now that she was alone she could have a few glasses of wine and read her latest acquisition. 

Perfect Bliss, no distractions.

Her dreams over the last week had been preventing her from sleeping soundly. Talking with Cassian last week stirred up grief she had kept locked away and it was invading her thoughts while she slept. Cassian had been teasing her about snoring - something Nesta knew she did not do. Her dreams were hard to pin down and describe but she often woke in a cold sweat during the night. Shadowy figures, then red - always red would flood her vision, battle raging on, high fae in meetings, snarling, illyrians falling from the sky, white hot light pouring from the cauldron. Last night’s dream was of her father and his final moments. It was becoming too much. With Cassian gone, Nesta could drink and sleep without fear of her memories.

If only she had a bottle of wine.

Cassian had emptied the house of it after the last evening of libations went south. The only thing left was that vile amber liquid he seemed to enjoy. Emerie frowned upon her drinking but did not stop her doing it. Maybe another reason why Nesta liked her company - she knew when to keep her mouth shut.

Nesta quickly buttoned up her overcoat, closing the house up behind her and she walked out the door. The day was brisk but she was becoming accustomed to the cold. Nothing layers and a quick walk couldn’t fix. Nesta’s muscles were getting stronger walking up and down the street to Emerie’s shop from her place. She still refused to train with the females like Cassian wanted but she was becoming stronger in this setting of thin air and steep hills, without too much effort on her part. Her boots crunched on the gravel path, sliding left and right as she ascended the slope on the uneven ground. Emerie’s shop was one of the larger buildings, a two story wood paneled building, it had beautiful views of the camp since it was higher on the hill.

The door was closed to keep the heat in but the shop was open. Customers still hadn’t warmed up to Emerie and her position, so it was often quiet. Perfect for Nesta, hiding from the rest of the camp in plain sight. She walked up the steps and into the store. Emerie was organising some of her new stock to the right of the counter.

“What brings you here before noon?” her deep honeyed voice called out to Nesta.

“Very funny, I decided to come see you, isn’t that enough?”

“Nes, you never come to just see me.” Emerie replied. “So what’s the real reason? You have been a little MIA this week…” a pause “Is Casian training?”

Nesta hated how Emerie could see right through her, but she knew it was her own fault, Em was just someone who Nesta could open up to without any effort, without any fear. It did not make any logical sense since Cassian introduced the two of them. But Nesta knew that Emerie held no loyalty to him or anyone else over her. Emerie was a fresh start.

“Well Cassian has gone away for a wee while so I thought I would come and spend some time with you. Unless you don’t want me to, I can go.”

“You’re not going to go Nes, you’re not telling me the full story either.” she turned to look at me with that piercing stare and then continued to tidy her summer blankets.

“I love your company and I came to offer my help” Nesta defended.

“I don’t need any help.”

“Exactly Em, so maybe you should stop asking me why i'm here so I won’t find something to do”, Nesta’s tone sharp, that fire burning behind her eyes boring into Emerie, she did not want to discuss her dreams or feelings or anything today - she just wanted a drink. “Any new red’s recently?”

“Ahh… I see. Have a look over by the window… there is a crate there.” Nesta turned to look and Emerie continued “The good ones have the dusty pink labels with golden writing - I managed to get a shipment from the Dawn court two weeks ago. I thought I might be able to keep it for a while this time, since about a month ago I had Cassian telling me who I could and couldn’t sell wine to.”

Nesta glared over her shoulder, Emerie still had her back to her tidying the shelves. Simple words with a pointed delivery.

“It’s none of his business what I drink!” Nesta said as she pulled out one of the bottles Emerie described.

“That’s what I told him, I also told him it was none of his business who I sold my products to.” She turned to Nesta and walked over to a cupboard above their heads, pulling out two wine glasses. “He also can’t tell me who I can drink with or when I can drink.” Both women smiled and sat down in the chairs by the window. Emerie ran the shop by herself so having a place to sit while waiting for those elusive customers was important. Plus if your best wine connoisseur wants some company how can you say no? Nesta opened the bottle and poured two glasses.

“Add it to Cassian’s tab, and I’ll take a few bottles home with me as well - when I leave”

“Sure, what’s going on Nes?”

“Dreams again.”

“I don’t mind drinking with you, but you might want to find a better way to address that.”

Head tilted Nesta calmly replied “I thought you weren’t going to tell me what I can and can’t do?”

Emerie sighed “Nesta I just want you to be safe and not remembering who you are or what you are doing or where you are going is not staying safe. You are a high fae for cauldrons sake! In an Illyrian camp. Staying with a commander who isn’t that well liked! To top it off you are friends with me. It’s not the most sensible way to stay out of trouble. Add the wine and its a recipe for disaster.”

Nesta drank more of her wine and looked at Emerie closely, her friend who had been so supportive - was telling her what to do, Em hadn’t even touched her glass, while Nestas was half gone.

“Nesta its eleven in the morning, are you sure you wouldn’t like a cup of tea?” Emerie pleaded.

“I think wine is fine, you go back to your cleaning and i’ll enjoy the sun from your window, I don’t particularly feel like going home yet.” Nesta’s tone had turned icy she felt the pull on their friendship and wondered how much longer it would last. Amren’s patience had worn thin - how much longer before Emerie gave up on her too.

“Fine Nes. You drink. I’ll clean. When your done with your glass I’ll have those four bottles packaged up for you and you can leave. I’m not having you spill vile poison in here when your drinking.” Emerie had a short temper like Nesta and it was not the best combination when the both women locked horns. Her dark brown eyes shined like glass, hard and seeing too much. She walked away from the seating area back to the main counter to dust.

Nesta was angry but also had not drunk enough to cause damage - yet. She didn’t want to lose Emerie, so she drank the rest of her wine in silence.

No one came into the store. Emerie continued tidying with silence stretching on. She placed four bottles into a bag, including some food too, a hard cheese and bread as well as a stew she had made the previous night. With Cassian gone Emerie knew Nesta would be avoiding cooking and wanted her to have some food with her liquid diet. 

___

Nesta had been home several hours, reading her book and drinking her wine in the sitting room, the sun was tracking lower in the sky and Nesta started to close all the curtains around the house, being alone was peaceful but being alone felt eerily similar to rejection. She had forgotten how lonely life could be with Cassian always around invading her space. She double checked that all the doors were locked and made her way to the kitchen table. She was onto her second bottle and grateful for Emerie and the food she had placed in the bag with her wine. Cold stew wasn’t great but it was better than an empty plate which she had planned on enjoying that evening.

Living with an illyrian warrior did have its advantages.

Especially when they loved food and didn’t mind sharing.

It would be even better when they figured out how to make things hot without using fire. Nesta took her soup to the sofa and had another glass or two reading her book as she went. The wine kept her warm as she read into the wee hours of the morning, a second bottle polished off. Nesta was tempted to go find one of the illyrians on patrol to share her bed, but was sure Cassian would have threatened them when she moved here. Her Velaris coping mechanisms didn’t seem to work in Windhaven, she just hoped to get some sleep tonight.

Head foggy and book in hand her feet padded along the floor to her room. She stripped down and pulled on a night shirt before climbing into bed.


	4. A Short Way to Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Short Way to Fall is chapter 4, so continues on the path of Nesta’s coping mechanisms.   
> It includes multiple POV's.   
> Nessian Angst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler Alert: Contains references to ACOFAS.
> 
> Includes mild references to addiction.

**A Short Way to Fall**

_**Nesta** _

It had been six days since Cassian left for Devlon’s camp and Nesta knew he would be home in the coming days. She had managed to get some sleep without her intrusive dreams and it was magical. The wine she had to drink to get here there however left her with a pounding headache each morning, well - afternoon by the time she woke up. Two trips back to Emerie this week for more wine and she was out again already, this would be her last trip before Cassian came home she was sure of it.

Having a high tolerance for her drink of choice frustrated Nesta, it seemed like she needed to drink more and more to sleep as the week went on. She looked at herself in the mirror in the bathroom, at least she didn’t look as awful as she felt. She washed her face with the water in the ewer and tried to wipe away the shadows under her eyes. They were larger than they had been before Cassian left. Some of the fullness to her face had vanished again, she wasn’t sure if it was the wine, missing Cassian’s food or the lack of quality sleep. Pulling her hair into a rough braid, she got herself together and went to see Emerie.

_**Cassian** _

It had been a long week. Devlon was making progress with the females and seemed to be listening to Cassian, something he never thought would happen. But the rumours and general ill feeling in the camp were still there. His presence had managed to keep a damper on rising tensions while visiting but he was not sure how much longer it would last. At least he would have a little bit of good news to relay to Rhys when he headed back to Velaris next week.

Cassian soared above the mountains, Windhaven coming into view at last. The sun warming his wings as he glided round the peaks. He loved being this free, flying was his happy place, and to think he might have never been able to fly again if it weren’t for Madja and her skills. Windhaven was also where Nesta was, he was glad to be able to cut his visit short. He missed her - even her prickly side.

Especially her prickly side if he were honest.

Having heated discussions with her always managed to get his blood pumping.

Cassian flew into the camp, smiling at the nearby illyrians and giving them his devilish grin, eyebrows wiggling as they desperately tried to ignore him. Gliding along lower and lower, he couldn’t help but remind them just who was staying in their camp. Flying had always brought him peace and he couldn’t wait to see his hellcat behind the door. He had missed their easy routine and the calmness of their home. Landing and moving toward the door, he rushed up the steps and turned the door handle.

Locked.

Nesta had insisted the deadbolts be installed before they moved in. Cassian frowned and knocked on the door,

“Nesta!” he called - no answer.

So after peering in the window and seeing no movement he walked around the back of the house. Cassian’s plans had already been spoiled with Nesta not at home but he could improvise and give her a surprise she wouldn’t forget. Walking around the building to find the hidden keys to the back door he paused. The sun glistened off something half peeking out beneath the steps. A crate of empty wine bottles.

Cassian’s peace drifted away with the breeze and his temper began to build, thinking about all their progress - lost. About how the wine bottles were hidden under the back porch and he never would have even seen it if he walked in the front door. Cassian kicked the box and stormed up the steps to unlock the door. 

The house was a pigsty, the smell of week old food assaulted him as he walked through the kitchen. Normally Nesta was relatively clean and made sure everything went back in its place but apparently she hadn’t been concerned with it while he was away. The bench had leftover food on it and the dishes on the bench appeared to be days old. The rest of the house wasn’t as bad but the furs were on the couch and the floor. Everything had just been left where it fell. The dining table had books half open and her wine glass on it.

Empty.

Where was Nesta! His anger was simmering near the surface, she had been drinking. Drinking a lot in the short week he was gone. Furious, he shut the door and left.

**_Nesta_ **

Nesta was grateful for the perfect day, sun shining bright, the crisp mountain air pushing a few stray pieces of hair back off her face. The night ahead already playing out in her mind. Clean the house, finish her latest book, a few glasses of wine and then a nice long sleep. She had a few more days to hide the evidence of her week long holiday. Emerie had only had one bottle left of the good stuff so today would be her last bottle. At least until Cassian was away again and Emerie received a new shipment. She missed him, perhaps more so because of the wine. Wine helped keep away the demons but it made her thoughts drift to Cassian too.

Placing her bag on the porch she made deft work of the locks and walked inside.

Something was off.

The house was different.

Wrong. 

She could not put her finger on it but something had changed. Nesta placed the wine on the table and checked bedrooms and bathroom, then the perimeter, windows secure, door locked, finally she checked the back door, it was closed but not locked. Fear rushed through Nesta. That sixth sense she had picked up becoming fae bringing her to full alertness. She checked all rooms and cupboards again and even checked Cassian’s room fully.

Nothing.

No sign of anyone.

Or anything.

But the door was unlocked. She hated trying to use her fae sense of smell, but gave it a shot anyway - who had been in her home? No new scents came to her.

Frustrated and on edge Nesta decided to open the windows and doors and clean the house. Her feeling of unease still present but she wasn’t going to be able to relax now with this fear dripping off her.

The tasks all were completed in record time, kitchen done, bathroom done, bedroom done, sitting room done, all that was left was the rubbish to go out back and her books on the table and that beautiful bottle of wine. Maybe she would be able to relax after all.

Grabbing the bag of rubbish she walked down the steps to find her empty wine bottles shattered on the ground. The world went still, Nesta looked around, she couldn’t see anybody but she felt that extra sense tingle. Keeping her expression blank she put the rubbish away and tidied the shards of glass. If someone was watching her she would not give them the satisfaction of seeing her scared. Back straight and regal as ever, Nesta walked back inside and locked the door behind her.

**_Cassian_ **

Cassian had been training for hours now, sweat pouring off him. He had to get this rage out, facing her like this would only bring them both pain. Unfortunately he had run out of willing punching bags hours ago. He couldn’t put it off forever, so grabbing his bag he stormed off home to see the fae who caused his pain.

**_Nesta_ **

Nesta had been reading for a few hours now, still uneasy and savouring her last glass of wine. The old chair at the dining table wasn’t the most comfortable but this location by the door seemed like the best place to run from, if the intruder came back. The doors were all locked but she wasn’t sure how the back door had become unlocked so she was not going to take any chances. Nesta lifted her glass to her red stained lips as the sound of wings grew closer. Odd, normally the illyrians walk through the camp. The house shook slightly as a large figure landed. Heavy boots pounded up the steps and soon after there was a hard banging on the door.

Cassian was home.

Fantastic, just what she needed, he seemed to be in a great mood too.

“Nesta, we need to talk now, open the door!”

She sighed.

“Just a mome-”

“No. Nesta, now.”

Nesta’s eyes narrowed and she put her glass down, it was too late to hide it, he would smell it on her breath anyway. Walking to the door as graceful as ever she turned the four locks and walked back to the table picking up her glass. Cassian stormed inside his siphons flaring and his hazel eyes reflecting some hidden fire. His body filling the entire doorway with its bulk.

“So your trip wasn’t as good as planned?” Nesta asked keeping her emotions firmly bottled up, expression as neutral as ever, thank goodness she had only had one bottle today.

“Nesta. What are you doing?”

“I’m having a drink, I’d offer you one but it seems I’m all out.” her tone was short but still slightly playful, she’d be damned if he made her feel bad for enjoying herself.

“I’m not surprised,” he said with deathly calm “with all the empty bottles out back.”

Nesta’s eyes narrowed and that smokey shadow came over them, the glimmer that lets everyone know when they have overstepped, Cassian turned away from her stare.

“You need to remember to lock the door when you leave.” she replied. The venom in her tone seeping into every corner of the room. He brushed past her and went towards his room, some of the fire had left him, he looked defeated. The wine was not helping. She was looking for a fight after being on edge all day and it had looked like he was going to give her one - but now he was walking away!

“Commander, maybe you should stick to what you are good at - leave managing me out of it. I am not some trainee and I refuse to be ordered about.”

Cassian turned back to Nesta, passion rising in his whisper quiet voice, 

“Have I ever told you what to do Nesta? Have I ever told you to stop drinking?” his voice rising,

“To talk to me? To be nice to your sisters? To attend Solstice?” Cassian became more passionate, a fire blazing in his eyes,

“I have never! Never! Ordered you to do anything except open the damn door and now you’re telling me to back off? Are you sure it isn’t your own guilt eating away at you? This addiction you hide? That you would actually love to be told to put the damn bottle down and make something of yourself!”

The room seemed to close in, Nesta’s shock clearly evident on her face, her rage simmering in those blue-gray eyes - that he would speak to her like this! Cassian looked around the room then spoke in a quiet but firm voice,

“Nesta, I’m leaving.

I’ll head out tomorrow - I was… going to stay longer, but I’m leaving for Velaris. I don’t know when I’ll be back, figure out what it is you want. Figure out what you need to do. Forget about everyone else. I can’t watch you destroy yourself. I thought things were getting better. That we were getting better, but you are just hiding the truth from me.” he sighed.

“I won’t live a lie, I’ve done it for too long, kept too many secrets for others and I won’t keep yours as well. Don’t expect me to.”

Nesta swore time had frozen, both now barely breathing, a flame extinguished from a lack of oxygen, all the heat gone.

“Decide what you want, I’ll accept it but I won’t live with someone who is so self destructive. If you can’t see it?” he threw his hands in the air, “then I can’t be around you anymore.” Cassian turned and shut his bedroom door behind him. 

Nesta was left alone in silence.


	5. More than You know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Nesta and Cassian's fight, Nesta takes off and turns to her friend for support. The Chapter is told from Emerie's point of view.
> 
> warning: references to abuse and explicit language.

**_Emerie_ **

The store was quiet - it was always quiet. Opening the shop each day, a never-ending chore, the camp was still avoiding purchasing anything from her. Ignorant illyrian males, dictating what rules all illyrians needed to live by. Sometimes she wondered if she were meant for something more, hoped she was, for now this was all she could see in her future. If it wasn’t for Nesta and Cassian being her best customers she was sure she would have had to close the shop. The sun was below the horizon now and Emerie closed the drapes and put more wood on her fire, as she softly padded towards the stairs to her loft her illyrian hearing made her pause. A few seconds later and the screen door rattled, a weak knock coming through the door.

“Closed!” Emerie yelled, “The sign says closed. Come back tomorrow when the sun has risen,” Emerie had had a shit day, another bottle sold to Nesta and then the hours had stretched on. Mara and Ceinwen had had training today, so no one else had stopped by. Leaving Emerie completely alone. Looking after the shop had meant she missed out on the training too - a prisoner in her own home.

“Emerie let me in you miserable hag!” Nesta screamed through the door. Shocked into action Emerie unlocked the door and let a clearly drunk Nesta stumble inside.

“What are you doing outside after dark? It’s not safe for you, you know that!” Emerie’s own anger was boiling beneath the surface. Illyrians were hot blooded no matter how you looked at it.

A cold stare was all Emerie got in return, Nesta was broken. Something had happened in the hours since she had seen her.

“Cassian”

Moments stretched on as they eyeballed each other.

“Right, well get your skinny ass by the fire - don’t say no - you’ll catch a cold, you’re not even wearing a coat Nesta! Mother help me! hang on a sec, give me a moment…”

As Nesta walked over to the window seats in her simple gray dress Emerie went to the cupboard and grabbed some of her warmest blankets. Nesta’s nose was running and pale lines ran down her face from the tears already spilled. She had never been this bad. Angry yes but never tears. Illyrians didn’t really know how to deal with tears, so Emerie wrapped the blanket around her shoulders placed a second blanket around her own and sat next to her. Luckily the tears appeared to have stopped, instead they stuck to her face, coloured from the dust she must have kicked up walking here. The two sat in silence for a while, Emerie unsure what to do as her usually level headed friend was turning into a mess around her. It wasn’t like she had experience with this sort of thing.

“So … what happened?” Emerie asked matter of factly.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You were fine this morning - I’d even go as far to say you were happy, you only brought one bottle today.” Emerie looked into the fire, watching Nesta out of her peripheral vision “So what happened?”

“He’s leaving”

“He won’t leave, he has too much to do here.”

“Then he’s leaving me”

The fire, had begun dying down, sparks flew as a log tumbled into the remaining embers. The silence seemed to stretch on forever even though it was only for a moment before Emerie asked again.

“What happened?”

“Em, I’m too broken”

“If you’re broken - then I’m broken”

“So we’re both broken then” Nesta mumbled into the knees she’d pulled up to her chin.

“I’m not broken Nesta, and neither are you.”

Emerie turned to Nesta and looked her in the eyes so different from her own, “You are not broken Nesta Archeron.”

___

The night seemed to drag on. Emerie wasn’t going to send Nesta home in the dark nor in the state she was. So they sat and drank by the fire downstairs into the wee hours of the morning. Both reluctant to address the issue head on, talking about the weather and upcoming events or a character in a book Nesta was reading. Emerie was starting to feel the effects of the poorer quality reds, they seemed to make a hangover kick in before feeling any positive effects. A total waste of grapes. She should have kept a few bottles aside of the good stuff, but she didn’t drink that often. She did not like to be out of control for a second - never give anyone reason to think she was easy prey. Everyone copes differently and while Nesta chose to deal with her past by burying it under drink and men, Emerie did everything she could to never have to relive the traumatic events again.

The training she had secretly been taking part in for years, had to be put on hold so that her father could go to war. He was supposed to come back. Right was on their side. Proteus was to come back and run the shop like always. So she could get on with her life, fight her own battles.

Emerie and her father had always had an uneasy truce. He was a good man who wanted the best for her, but he also let male illyrians cut her down when she wanted to fly. That memory was bubbling up to the surface. It seems wallowing in self pity with Nesta was bringing up her own past - alcohol did not numb Emerie like it did with her friend, it just made everything clearer. It wasn’t always wise to be left with free time to contemplate the past.

Images started dancing before her eyes, the day as beautiful as ever, forming in her mind. Mountains in the distance with snow dusting the peaks and rushing streams from the ice melt spreading across the Steppes below. She had managed to evade her father again, and was flying as close as she could to the surface of the white rushing waters before taking off sky high again.

Emerie was a talented flyer and never wanted to be grounded. Soaring through the skies was a feeling she just could not find anywhere else. Unsure whether to just keep flying or head home - Emerie kept flying. She knew this might be the last time she would feel this way and wanted to enjoy it- savor it. She had discovered that womanhood had arrived in the night and though she had bathed and tried to hide the evidence - it was an impossible task in her small home. No secrets could be kept forever, especially with their stupid primitive instincts. Her father - if not his clients would be smelling her accession to being a fully grown woman soon enough.

She was going to lose this feeling.

Lose this freedom.

So she enjoyed it for longer than she normally would have. After several hours of flying, diving and performing tricks through some of the denser vegetation Emerie had started to head home.

She never made it.

Thoughts and fragments of that evening tainting the memory of her perfect last flight. Instead of telling her father when she got home and facing the situation head on, her father had sent a group of young males to track her, trap her, put her in her place. She was cornered in a ravine near Windhaven, grey walls towering above her, shadows moving along the walls, wings brutally clipped, then dragged home to her father. Of course that’s what Emerie chose to remember, a lot of her battle was foggy after many years of telling herself - it can’t have happened that way.

The light of the day shifted in that ravine to a dark grey, all the joy gone, all her hopes gone. She knew this day would come but she hadn’t wanted it to. She loved flying and when that was taken away from her she vowed to never let a male put his hands on her again.

Emerie looked to Nesta, curled up in the chair, boots off, drink on the floor next to her, blankets covering her lazily. She must have drifted off a while ago. The chairs were not comfortable for long periods and Emerie decided to wake her.

“Nesta, Nesta, please wake up…” she whispered.

Nesta moaned and turned, trying to get away from the words invading her sleep.

“Nesta, please come upstairs, my bed is a lot more comfortable and I can… sleep in my father’s old bed…”

Nesta swatted at Emerie.

Emerie stood to her full height and huffed. She had been drinking too! She should just leave Nesta to sleep on the damn chair and feel the aches and pains tomorrow! But she tried one more tactic first.

“Nesta get your ass upstairs and into bed before I carry you up there!”

Nesta opened her eyes, having to glance at Emerie over her shoulder, having curled right into the curved back of the chair. She sighed.

“Fine, you lead the way”

So for the second time this evening Emerie prepared for bed, double checking everything was locked, grabbing a glass of water to help with the beginnings of her hangover and collecting the extra blankets needed. Slowly they made their way upstairs.


	6. Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Nesta and Cassian's fight, Nesta saught Sanctuary with Emerie in chapter 5. In this chapter - At the behest of Emerie, Nesta needs to decide what she wants.

**_Nesta_ **

The sun blazed through the bedroom window - not her window. It took a moment for Nesta to get her bearings, the room was one she had never been in before but felt familiar at the same time. Where was she. The white washed walls and pine window frames made this room so much brighter than her own. There was one door in the middle of the wall opposite her, a peaked roof and windows on the other two walls to the sides of her bed. The stairs to downstairs ran along the side of one wall made of the same pine as the window frames. It came back to her. 

The fight. Her leaving. Finding Emerie and Emerie giving her somewhere to vent and somewhere to sleep. But where was Em. Fragments of last night came back to her but she felt like she was still missing something. She could just roll over and go back to sleep, it would be easier than dealing with the consequences of her actions. Footsteps from the room beyond were coming through the wall. Nesta pulled the covers up, hiding her face. The door creaked and soft footfalls walked over the lush rug by her bed.

“Nesta,” came Emerie’s calm voice, a sternness creeping into the tone as she came closer, “are you awake?”

Nesta tried to snuggle deeper but that just let Emerie know she was awake for certain. A poor move on her part.

“I knew it, get up sunshine before I pull the blankets off”

“You wouldn’t dare!” came the reply,

Faster than Nesta realised, the blankets were half way across the room and she was left on the bed. Well that certainly took the sweetness out of the decor and all of a sudden the sun through the window felt very cold. Nesta glared and Emerie grinned back.

“Nesta, yesterday you were too drunk to talk clearly, today we need to address this little drinking problem so you don’t end up stealing my bed again, my father’s isn’t very comfortable.”

Nesta did not want to talk, she hated talking, everyone should just know. Just understand and if they didn’t then why should she be the one to enlighten them. The moments dragged on, Nesta sitting on the bed in silence and Emerie grabbing some clothes from the other room. The room that held her dad’s bed and all her other possessions - leaving Em’s room a sanctuary free from clutter.

Nesta waited for Emerie to come back into the white room before speaking, “He’s going to Velaris and he wants me to stop drinking, I have been told to decide what I want.”

“What’s wrong with that, I’m pretty sure you both like each other, I hate being in the same room as you both, there’s this weird tension running between you both.”

Nesta could feel the smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. Emerie wasn’t wrong but Nesta was not ready to deal with this.

“I don’t like being told what to do.” she said matter of factly.

“Who does?”

“How do you handle it then? How do you deal with the hate that these bastards throw your way? How do you keep your temper in check? Why don’t you drink like me?”

Emerie looked deeper into Nesta’s eyes, she could see the hurt there. Emerie picked up the blankets, folding them as she continued to talk.

“Nesta we can’t win all battles, but we can try to live every day getting a little closer to winning the war. Find out what it is you want. Find out what War you are fighting and let the battles sort themselves out.” Her tone became somber, “I don’t drink because it is safer for me not to. I lock my doors because I live alone. I serve anyone who comes in with my back straight and a smile plastered on my face because I need the money to survive another day. Because I don’t want them to come back after dark and make me respect them. This camp is not as safe as others would lead you to believe. Now get dressed, come downstairs and help me with the shop, unless you want to go home and deal with him?”

 

\---

 

It was nearing midday and Nesta was taking Emerie’s advice - kind of. She had helped in the shop during the morning and found that the little tasks gave her purpose and made the day pass without feeling that pull from inside. They didn’t require much brain power but the act of actually doing something physical, like moving stock from the back room to the front and swapping it with different items seemed to help.

Emerie’s shop had never been that busy so Nesta was a little curious as to the purpose of her tasks, but decided not to question her friend. Emerie was doing it for her benefit, she was sure of it - Emerie had never really let Nesta help before. The bonus of not being asked to help was that Nesta could read while Emerie pottered about, but this was a gift Emerie had given her. It was for no purpose except to help Nesta. Firmly lodging Emerie into a little corner of Nesta’s black heart.

She’d been spending the last half hour or so polishing the silver and gold brooches in the locked cabinet. Perfect for holding a cloak together, elegant and practical, Something Feyre would likely cherish for both reasons. Emerie was cleaning some blades that she had pulled out of a bottom drawer. Strange that they weren’t on display. 

Not her usual merchandise either.

“Are those Illyrian Blades?” Nesta queried in as nonchalant way as she could muster.

“Yes Nesta, but you knew that.” Emerie replied in a dull tone. Maybe she had had enough of Nesta being in her space for today? But Nesta chose not to take the hint.

“Are they yours?”

“Nesta, not today. I’m not discussing these today. You’ve heard enough from me today.”

“Why not? You’re cleaning them today, surely that could have waited until I left, you could be a little more careful who you show them to if they are a Secret Emerie!”

“They are not a secret! I just don’t want to talk about this today! You don’t want to talk about Cassian. I don’t want to talk about my Blades! Both are out in front of us and can be seen clearly by the other - yet neither of us wants to talk about them, unless you have changed your mind?”

Nesta could feel the challenge in her voice. So Emerie was losing patience, good, let her fight, let her have some heat in her voice, let her say what she had been holding in for months. It was part of the attraction, her fire so similar to Nesta’s own. The mask of a placid female was not what Nesta wanted in a friend, she’d had enough of people wearing two faces. She wanted a warrior in Arms and friend who would go into battle with her, Nesta wanted honesty. So she smiled and said,

“You first.”

Emerie looked up from her blades, anger simmering but not yet enveloping her.

“Come back tomorrow, after you’ve talked with Cassian. I’ll tell you then… if you have the courage to talk to him at all.”

Nesta knew she had a match with Emerie, but some days she hated being bested at her own game.

“Fine.” she said, knowing Cassian was gone anyway and that she wouldn’t have to deal with anything she wasn’t ready for.

Nesta began tidying away the broaches and grabbed her bag, “I’ll head home now, see you tomorrow, and I will want answers Em!”

“Me too Nesta” she said as she continued to clean and sharpen her blades. So Nesta left Emerie’s shop, with the plan to avoid everything for as long as possible.

\---

The house was empty and quiet, Nesta was glad he was gone. Better to have him away so she could deal with whatever she wanted to - a whole lot of nothing. A rich laugh escaped her as she thought about how she had well and truly bested Emerie. Tomorrow she would know more, more about her past and all that she kept secret - without having to give up anything of herself.

Smiling and walking around the house looking for something to do she had a peak in Cassian’s room, his pack was still on the bed. Strange but not unusual, perhaps he had decided to fly light and leave it here - the other option was that he hadn’t left yet. An idiotic thing to do with the nights still providing a chill. He wasn’t always the smartest but he did not make mistakes like that. It would take at least half a day to fly to Velaris, part of the reason why Nesta was well and truly trapped here.

Nesta walked to the kitchen and double checked all the cupboards, no wine at all. Not much of anything actually, she would have to go back to Emerie tomorrow and ask if she wanted to go market shopping anyway - she wondered how long it would take a high fae to starve? How long would it take before she felt hunger like she did in their cottage? To feel the ribs through the skin again as she held herself for warmth during the night? Slamming the cupboards and expelling her thoughts she did another lap of the house, her wine bottle still sat on the table next to her book, open on the page she had left it. 

There must be more to this house. The high lord and lady would have made sure of it. Its like secrets oozed from the walls inviting Nesta to find them. Nesta started inspecting the windows and then the bookshelves, looking for hints of magic. Nothing called to her, nothing stood out until she felt a tug towards the bookshelf beside Cassian’s door. That insistent tug had been a presence with her for as long as she knew, it helped her see the truth when no one thought she could. Even as a human she had this uncanny ability to see the truth of things, just no power to change them.

Her long delicate fingers glided along the shelf until she felt it was time to stay her hand. A large volume sat in front of her. Grabbing it with both hands she took it over to the table. “Illyrian History” what a bore! Why couldn’t it be something more interesting. She sighed got up and poured a glass of water, if she was going to get involved with a new book. A history book. Without wine. Then she needed to try to stay awake.

Hours passed and it was now late in the afternoon and Cassian still hadn’t returned, maybe he really was gone? A thought Nesta never really considered when she saw his bag on the bed still. She hoped he might have stayed in camp since she never returned home last night, but maybe he really was done with her. The thought of losing him opened a pit in her stomach. The dark lonely feeling started clawing up towards her throat and felt too much like trying to escape that cursed cauldron. like pulling at the water, reaching, trying to get out, drowning. 

It felt like drowning. 

Nesta shook her head and stood. Pulled on her coat and went for a walk - the fresh air would do her good. Remind her that she made it out. That she could breathe.


	7. What Remains?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian heads to Velaris after his fight with Nesta.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've had this in my drafts for a while and cleaning them out.. so I have decided to finally post it.  
> I haven't done any more Chapters as of Yet - the fic will still be on a semi-hiatus until after Kingdom of Ash.
> 
> Hopefully you will forgive me for the angst.

**Cassian**

Cassian reached Velaris in record time, the brisk night chilling him quickly through and urging him back to the city of starlight. No matter how fast he flew he couldn’t outrun his thoughts. Thoughts of her.

Last night after Nesta had left their home he couldn’t relax and took to the skies to track her. She had made her way up the hill to Emerie’s- at least he knew she was safe there. So he waited. Moving around camp, watching the goings on. Everything was quiet. Even the shop he watched across the road. 

 

He waited into the night for her to emerge, thinking she would come stumbling home in the dark. But the hours ticked on and the shop stayed quiet, a glow coming from the first story windows and no lights elsewhere. Cassian had found an old swing to sit on a little ways down the hill that still had a good view of Emerie’s home and curled his wings around himself.

A million thoughts running through his mind, about her and about their fight, but also about what he would say when he saw Feyre. A commander always thought of battle strategies when new obstacles arose and his personal life was turning into as big a mess as the the battlefields he was on a less than a year ago.

His senses picked up a change in the air and it was then he realised that she wasn’t coming home.

The lights dimmed downstairs and others went on upstairs. Everyone in the house was going to bed, and Cassian was a fool in the cold trying to look after a woman that hours ago, he had told - he was done with. He’d needed to get a check on his emotions.

If she didn’t care, why should he?

After coming to that realisation he had decided to leave Windhaven right then. His bag at home left on his bed, packed and ready to go in the morning - he didn’t care. He was furious. Furious at her. And begrudgingly at himself too - he wasn't quite sure who was at fault anymore.

 

Even after his flying, his emotions were raw, he still wanted to protect her from her sister and Rhys. It wouldn’t take long for them to find him, ask how she was doing. So he wore a mask of that cocky commander who was still trying to charm her. It was never a mask in the past - but now it felt so far from where he was. So far from that teasing smile. So far from wanting her that a mask was the only way to get through the day ahead. He was grateful that Rhys didn’t like to pry with those powers of his. Thank the Mother he hadn’t told Rhys when he would be back today leaving a few hours up his sleeves. Especially after his earlier than expected departure.

The sun was rising now and coming up over the tabletop mountain spreading its warm fingers over Velaris. The city of Starlight really was beautiful, and although he had called it home for many years, he was outgrowing it. It was too safe, too easy, and it didn’t hold his heart any longer. He dreaded coming back here, playing the social game. Rhys knew Cassian was getting tired of keeping the peace between their friends, but it was easier to just let things carry on than face them head on. Easier to stagnate than to force change.

Nesta would make him choose. Make him pick a side. He felt it deep in his bones and he wasn’t ready to take that step. It was easier to make her face the demons clawing at her. He wasn’t ready to face his. This mood and self pity were going to hold him back today. He needed to be the charmer, a role he usually slipped into easily. So he landed near Nesta’s old home in the Slums and found her local establishment. Still open even as the sun was rising, maybe that was the real reason she choose the Wolf’s Den. Cassian stepped inside and had a few strong drinks to dull his resentment and the unspoken feelings bubbling to the surface.

 

Standing in the Hallway Cassian waited. Still slightly affected from his morning libations. He told himself - ‘it just added to his charm’. Feyre walked down the hall and when she saw him her eyes lit up.

“Cassian! I’m so glad to see you!” she embraced him in as large a hug as she could manage and all he wished was that it was Nesta hugging him back home.

“Hey freckles, how’s the painting going?” he replied with that crooked smile as he ended their embrace.

“So great! We are making immense progress with a few of our students. It’s so wonderful helping people. I thought you were due tonight, you must have made good time! How is Nesta? How are the camps? Oh you probably want to talk to Rhys!” Cassian had forgotten how many things Feyre had on the go, she was always moving a mile a minute. Probably another reason why her and Rhysand were a good match. Always planning and taking on the next challenge. She really was settling into her role as High Lady well.

“I was able to leave earlier than I planned, shall we go into the study? Rhys isnt here yet and as much as I love the hall, i’m sure it’s warmer in there.” her smile was so fresh and open, Cassian had forgotten what is was like to feel warmth radiate off someone through a simple smile. He had spent too long by himself or with hostile companions. Illyrians who seemed to have trouble showing emotions. He’d been wearing the commander boots for too long and it was taking its toll. Something his friends always worried would happen but had managed to prevent.

The two walked into the study, floor to ceiling curtains dominated the room, made of luxurious green fabrics. Ornate Chairs and furniture that would have cost a small fortune spread around the room trying to create a feeling of warmth. Letters, maps and other papers covered half the desk and the other half was mostly clear, it looked like a before and after of example of “how to organise a desk”. Feyre rushed over and started tidying the correspondence.

“Sorry, I told Rhys I’d at least have these away when you arrived, give me a moment to tidy up,”

“I’m early, its fine - and Rhys didn’t know when I was coming exactly... so how could you?” he assured her.

Feyre smiled and continued to potter around the desk as Cassian looked around the room, the stuffiness had enveloped him during that meeting with Nesta months ago and it hadn’t felt cozy since. It looked like the High Lord and High Lady’s study, like control and meetings, like plans being made and acted upon. Things had changed quickly. No longer were papers all over the rest of the house, with cold coffee mugs next to them. Small signs that his friends lived here with their burden or leadership. Instead this room was here, this war room. Even though Feyre had tried so hard to make it comfortable, Cassian could only see the practicality staring back at him.

Standing here made Cassian feel as if he was moving in a different direction to his friends, like most families do. Age and circumstance pulling them down different paths. Cassian tried to shake off the thoughts. Perhaps was he just being sombre because of last night. His fears were running away from him. Feyre finished tidying her papers and sat on the sofa at the side of the room near a large window.

“So how’s it all going?” She asked

Cassian turned and said “Fine, fine …. Shouldn’t we wait for Rhys first, the illyrians are probably a good topic to start on”.

Feyre tilted her head to the side looking at him in that way of hers, that way that said she didn’t believe it. She pulled her feet onto the couch under herself, a pose that Nesta also prefered especially when she read a good book. Nesta, Nesta, Nesta, always on his damn mind! Then she asked again,

“Come on, how’s living with Nesta, has she been behaving?" She looked at him so intently as she asked the next question.

"Do you think she hates us?" She paused again and then infused herself with an upbeat energy to keep going - to keep moving forward.

"I haven’t seen you in ages because Rhys comes to you! Tell me what is going on.”

Feyre’s pleading and prodding was poking at emotions too close to the surface so he decided to ‘fake it till he made it’ as Mor would say.

“Ahh, I see now- the real truth is that you have missed me!" Cocky grin on his face.

"Have you Missed my training sessions, is Az not making you work hard enough? I can talk to him if he's going easy on the High Lady.” He winked.

“Cassian…”

“She seems fine, she's not really talking to me, probably thinks i'm a spy going to bring everything back for you two to discuss, She should know I’m not Az.” he threw in a grin for good measure, to clearly express his joke, and keep that lighthearted tone. Finishing with, “So I haven't pushed her.”

His alcoholic buzz was wearing off, and with it, the mask he had so carefully put in place to fool Rhys. He had hoped to avoid Feyre. Coming in and out of Velaris as fast as he could manage.

“Ok, I just hoped she had said something to you, talked to you, it’s not like she has many people to talk to.” Cassian watched Feyre, her face showed her guilt as plain as anything, but he couldn't contain his disappointment in her lack of understanding regarding her own sister.

“She didn’t talk to anyone in Velaris either.” He said calmly, all humour gone.

“But we were here if she needed us.” Feyre voice went up a few octaves.

“Were you?” He replied.

Feyre looked at Cassian closely, silence crept into the room like a frost creeping over the grass as the light fades.

“We did the best thing for her.” The high Lady of the Night Court stated. Conviction in her words.

Cassian could see the thoughts rushing through her mind as the silence stretched on after her statement,

“You do know it’s rude to talk about someone when they’re standing right in front of you, where is the prick anyway he’s late?”

“Sorry Cassian, I got distracted, it’s something completely different,” she smiled.

Cassian didn't believe her but she was back to talking to Rhys with that mind link thing they had, so he went and sat on one of the chairs in front of the desk. His temper rising. He began to crack his knuckles one by one, taking his time.

He often spoke to Rhys in that tone - but never Feyre, maybe he was tired, or maybe his liquid courage had done more damage than good. Either way he was in an awful mood. Feyre was at the receiving end, something he never wanted.

Feyre stood and started moving towards the door, “I have to go Cassian, seriously make yourself at home, we won't be too long.” She smiled politely and walked to the door.

And she was gone - just like that.

 

The rest of his day had passed without incident, but weighed on his shoulders. After deciding to abandon the study in search for food, Rhys had found him and they had had their meeting. Drinking and trying to solve Prythian’s problems in the adjoining sitting room, Az stumbled across them soon after.

They didn’t get very far. How can you solve the world’s problems when you are only three against the tide?

Cassian was torn between trying to protect the female illyrians and empowering them. Torn between pushing down the rebellion with force and letting the hostilities play out a little first and then showing the illyrians why he was their commander. The Lord of Bloodshed, was trying his best to avoid any blood being spilled at all. Rhys seemed distracted too but didn’t share what had held him up earlier in the day.

Soon smells, and banging started coming from the kitchen, signaling that they had wasted the day away. The inner circle ate dinner like they usually did, Amren was absent in the summer court with Varian but otherwise it was just like old times.

Except it wasn’t.

Mor and Az had invited him to Rita’s but Cassian wasn’t in the right headspace for dancing and drinking - Mor Dancing, Az and himself drinking in the corner, being social would be the hard part.

Cassian was keeping Nesta’s secret close to his chest and it held him back from fully engaging and enjoying his family. He was still able to tell jokes and raise his eyebrows and grin at the right time, but his heart wasn’t in it. Just like when he protected Mor and Az from themselves. He was getting tired of being the protector; the keeper of secrets.

 

The dinner dragged on into the evening and now he was finally alone in his room. Feyre and Rhys had always kept it ready for him. Cassian collapsed into the large bed. Bless the mother, they had upgraded from the twin set in the townhouse. His wings stretched out for the first time since the flight here and he tried to relax. Processing the day; the flight, the drinking, the meeting, the drinking, and then keeping secrets and happy families. It was all so draining.

The large room didn’t hold a candle to his own place, something about his cottage in Windhaven felt more like home these days. Maybe he was just returning to his roots. He needed to sleep and the thoughts were rushing in unbidden. Too many thoughts today. Nesta would be enjoying Emerie’s company again he was sure, she didn’t need or want him anymore.

He should have seen it coming, Emerie was so similar to Nes that of course they would be kindred spirits. He should be happy for her. He should be glad she was beginning to make a life for herself. Except it was all a lie, her happiness, she had been drinking behind his back. Emerie had known, it was the only place she could get the booze.

How much of their fairytale was true? How well was she coping? How could she be one person to his face and another behind his back? like a serpent of the abyss! Cassian threw his pillow across the room, it hit the wall with a light thud and fell to the floor. Not nearly enough noise or commotion to satisfy the rage rising within him.

Staring at the ceiling, the thoughts kept coming. They had had something, he wasn’t sure what exactly. Cassian had felt like they were starting to learn the truth of each other and now he was left with the tattered remains of something that never had a name.


	8. hiatus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just Added Chapter 7 - What Remains.  
> Pushed my hiatus message back a little.  
> Still on hiatus for this Fic.

Hey,  
Just giving an update.  
This fic will be on a hiatus for a wee while. Probably until after Kingdom of Ash has been read and cried over.  
I'm not giving up on it but wanted to let you know what was happening.  
I will delete this chapter when I update it next.  
Cheers  
Renee


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